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I didn't know where to go from the point I was at. It seemed like career wise, maturity wise, I had gotten so far…but was I where I really wanted to be? I hit the talk button on the telephone and dialed all the digits of his number except for the last one, I paused. This was something I found myself doing a lot recently. I was not going to do this to myself again, why put myself through all the pain, why feel the hurt? It'd be a year soon. Another part of my being, said I just needed to hear his voice once more, I could take it. But could I? My head was a swirl of questions, question, after question….with no answers. My long body was curled on the porch, I reached beside me and patted my little dog on the head, and I faintly smiled. I reached to my right and grabbed my headphones, and decided maybe a jog would clear my head. I never had this much time to my thoughts. But yet, still, all I thought of was him. I stood up and my long, loose track pants hit the wooden porch and my baby blue tank top clung to my body, he loved that shirt. No, don't do this. I hooked my ipod clip on my pants and began running, really trying to run away from the thoughts that consumed my very being. I had a 3 mile path around my land in Texas, it was really beautiful. At some points you could see the water, and in other areas was just clear beautiful grassy fields where my horses were. It was breathtaking, much of my inspiration for my songs came from running on this path in the early morning. Things were different now.

My breathing became heavy as I ran through the woods, and that's when I spotted it. If I had remembered this was there…I sure as hell would have not gone on this run. I stopped and stared at the monstrous oak tree overlooking the water. The sun was setting behind it and it gave the tree an orangey glow, it looked tranquil. I caught my breath. I walked to the tree and traced my fingers over it, he had been there. I remember it like yesterday…

*Flashback*

I sat on the ground; we were on our morning run. I used to hate mornings, but with him, I started to appreciate them more. Everyday we took a break in this spot, but today, I sat on the ground, knees up, arms pulled tight around them. I sat alone, consumed in watching the sunrise; I will never forget how beautiful it was, especially that morning. Something was so serene about the moment. "Kell," he said, I turned my head to see what he was doing. I didn't want to get up I was too involved in watching the world rise. He came over and sat beside me and kissed me all down my neck, I chuckled. I wouldn't have wanted a morning any other way. He grabbed my hand and lifted me up as he pointed to the oak. "This way you will always remember how beautiful we are." He said softly into my ear, my eyes got misty as I traced over the oak tree. He had carved our names there with a heart around it and a FOREVER underlined. He also had carved a sunrise above it. I would never forget that morning, Along with many others…

*End Flashback*

My fingers lingered on the word forever. I told myself I wouldn't cry on the outside anymore. But tears were flowing freely now. I turned my back to the tree and slid down slowly until I hit the ground. Would I ever be okay again? I cried and cried beneath that oak tree, for it shared many secrets and broken promises.

I, somehow, found the strength to run back home, right into the house, tears still slowly rolling down my cheeks, my tennis shoes tracked mud all through the wooded planks of the floor, but I didn't care. My mind was in a different place. I unzipped my jacket and carelessly threw it to the floor; I started to shed all my other clothing as I walked into my bedroom. I hated it there now, everything reminded me of him. I walked over to the wall and unhooked the phone line; I didn't want to be bothered. I stripped right down to my tank and slowly crawled underneath the covers of my fluffy bed, I wanted to sleep it all away. I wanted it to be over. I wanted the pain to go away. I closed my eyes and tears continued to pour out of them…it was almost as if they would never stop. It was a river of tears.

*Flashback*

I could only see the shadow of him in the darkness holding my hand taking me to some unknown place…we ran through the woods. All I could hear was the rustling of the leaves beneath our feet as we ran. I looked down and noticed how beautifully my small hand fit into his; it was as if they were meant for each other. I held my breath…where were we going? It was so exciting. He stopped suddenly. We were at the top of a hill overlooking the city. It was such a clear night; I had never seen so many stars. He began to hum to the tune of "Amazed" as he grabbed my hands and we danced in the moonlight. We fell asleep under the stars that night, not caring about the morning after consequences.

*End Flashback*

I squint my eyes as the early morning sunlight leaked through my windows. "No…. " I said outloud. I had been dreaming of him. I rolled over and threw the pillow over my head. I didn't plan on getting up anytime soon.

"Rise and shine beautiful"
I barely opened my eyes. I knew who was there…she always was. I shut my eyes totally again and laid my head down on the pillow. She brushed the strands of hair out of my face, "how you feelin' Kel?"

My eyes began to fill with tears. I didn't even think there were any left. No words were needed; she knew I would talk when I was ready. She handed me a piece of toast and a glass of water, "at least try to eat something for me."

I sat up and my head was spinning in a million different directions. I leaped out of my bed and ran to the bathroom. I splashed water on my face, trying to rid myself of the image of him engrained into my brain. Would this ever end? I returned a few minutes later.

I saw Jebbie sitting on my bed with tears evident in her eyes. It had been a long time since she had seen me like this…it had been a long time since I had seen myself like this.

"I'll be fine Jeb…" I didn't even want to look at her...she saw through me like glass.

"I'm worried…" I couldn't say I wasn't either…

I walked over and threw myself onto the feather bed; I laid my head on her shoulder.

"It will all work out the way it is supposed to Kel, I promise, I know you're nervous about seeing him…but you know he still loves you." She stroked my hair; I began to sob…this was all too much. I don't know what I would do if she wasn't there for me, most of the time she was what kept me going. She was always there when the rest of the world left me and this was no exception.

Reality was crashing down. He was gone, out of my life. I would have to see him soon.


And I still loved him.